Don’t make people feel better, do this instead

We all want to be there for the ones we love the most. We want to make sure whenever they feel sad that we can make them feel better by doing something, cheering them up, making them smile, cracking a joke and making them laugh. 

Sometimes it’s painful to see the ones we love the most hurt and there’s nothing we can do about it, actually, it’s all of the time. That’s why we try so hard to push to make a change, anything to even make the smallest difference in their mood. 

And most of the time, this is the worst thing to do. Have you ever tried to cheer someone up when they’re feeling low and there is no engagement?

“Hey check this out!” *does something funny*, and no response. (Awkward silence begins). You feel useless. Being a sympathetic human being is getting you nowhere!

You need a different approach.

Sympathy is defined as; Acknowledging that the other person is going through an emotional or physical struggle, supporting them and giving them comfort.

Empathy is defined as; Something more than just sympathy. It’s actually understanding what the other person is feeling because you’ve had a similar experience yourself or you’re able to put yourself in their shoes.

When you’re sympathetic you’re putting yourself at a distance from the other person rather than being there with them. You’ve felt sad before and what do you want most of all in those moments? To be understood. They want to be understood as well, not cheered up. 

When we feel understood, we feel seen and when we feel seen we no longer feel alone. Because one way or another we all go through the exact same thing. It just happens to be at different times, locations and points in our lives. 

So the next time you see someone close to you feeling low. Don’t strive to cheer them up and try to change their mood. Maybe ask them “Hey, why are you feeling low?” “How come you’re feeling sad?” “How is this situation affecting you?” or “What’s on your mind?” Sit down with them, be close to them, shut up and listen to them. Don’t give them comfort, give them a space where they feel comfortable sharing how they feel. 

I know it can feel that you’re not doing enough. But maybe all someone wants is to be asked how they feel and for someone to listen. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s not about what you can do for them; it’s about how you can be there for them.

Strive for understanding; you’ll be amazed at what happens.  

Until next time,

Brody